Some free clues to any sales reps who might be reading. Especially if they work for a company whose name begins with 'M' and rhymes with 'berk'.
1. It is expected that you will turn up on spec, and try to catch someone to talk at. Chances are that the specific person you want is in the middle of an experiment, has had a crap day so far and resents the intrusion. However, that's probably all right and they will leap at the chance to have you try and sell them stuff.
2. If you turn up on spec and the person you want to annoy isn't available, please leave a message saying "I'll come in tomorrow at 11". After all, their time is worthless and they will make every effort to be available. Do not worry about any inconvenience to them or their schedule.
3. Similarly, ringing the lab (cold) and leaving a message with someone other than your intended victim saying "I'll be there tomorrow at 11" is arrogant and disrespectful and exactly the sort of behaviour we have come to expect. You will earn a big commission this way.
4. After you have made such an appointment — of course the lab manager happens to (a) have received the message and (b) be free — turn up five hours late and expect them to drop everything and rush to see you. Don't worry that she had to leave at 2 to pick up her children; she has no life and will leave the kids to fend for themselves while she gives you her whole attention.
5. Having cast aside these irrational foibles (after all, we're only scientists; it's not like we work for a living), please try to sell anything and everything to anyone in the lab who happens to be sitting at a bench holding a pipette. It's not likely that they're doing anything, after all. Additionally, expect them to know all about your product range and especially be familiar with a sample you sent to someone who left six months ago.
6. This is more for your R&D division, but you should know about it. Make sure your company reads papers (published in open access journals) that describe new methods, and take all the reagents and sell them at vastly inflated prices in inconvenient packages. We will thank you for it.
7. Point out that we don't know a thing, and everything we have done for the last fifteen years is crap because we didn't use your products. Home-made enzymes and reagents can never achieve the job, and their cheapness is false economy. We love bits of plastic and will change to using whichever thermostable enzyme you happen to be selling that week because we like you, and suffer from terrible error rates.
8. If some grumpy post-doc is making snide comments about your products while you are prosecuting points #5 – #7 above, ignore him. The man's obviously an idiot.
