Usually my gut instincts are right.
I had a feeling Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz were having an affair while filming Vanilla Sky, I really did.
I have picked the last 7 Melbourne Cup winners, despite knowing nothing about horseracing.
Call it sixth sense, call it luck...generally if I go with my gut reaction, I'll fare pretty well.
And so it is with mixed feelings of satisfaction and desperation that I've discovered yet another of my instincts has been right on the money.
I've never been one of those people who coo over babies. In fact, I've been known to recoil in horror if someone suggest I hold their baby...what if I drop it?
Oh, and I have no patience for older children. I once worked in retail and was known to shoo kids out of the store if they so much as placed a finger to the glass counter I'd just cleaned. I also complained to a colleague about a noisy toddler outside...who turned out to be her child. Whoops...
I've been adamant in my desire never to have children. I'm just not cut out for that kind of life: I take my hat off to anyone who is able to devote their lives to raising a child, but I have this feeling that I'd be horrible in that role. It's not that I don't like them. I just don't understand them. I am constantly in awe of those mothers who know certain things automatically, as I know I'd never be like that.
Once again, my gut feeling has triumphed.
Nevertheless, I put my anti-child sentiments aside when I applied for a job as a nanny. I thought (falsely) that it would be easy, and (correctly) that it might teach me a thing or two. So I threw my instincts to the wind and on my first day on the job, I was taught a very valuable lesson. No matter how smart you think you are, a baby will always, always find a way to outsmart you.
On our way out the door (headed to the park: those years of reading The Babysitter's Club series paid off), Lulu yelled out, "Shoes, shoes, shoes."
Her mantra continued. I interjected, "No, no, it's ok. You've got your shoes on, don't worry."
But she wouldn't be deterred.
"Shoes, shoes, shoes, shoes, shoes..."
This went on until she toddled to the next room, picked up my shoes and placed them on my feet. I could only scratch my head in that eternal signal of helplessness to show my confusion.
And as for my skills at handling older kids...read this and weep...
While taking Lulu's big sister, Indie, to school one day, I discovered that innocence is not without its bite. It may sound like kids have no idea what they're talking about, but they still manage to cut straight to the bone.
Indie asked me why my car was so much smaller than her Mum and Dad's Range Rover.
I told her it was because my car was just for me, but her car had to fit her whole family in it.
She seemed happy with this answer. A few seconds later, though, she observed:
"Where does your boyfriend sit, then?"
Uh-huh...
"I don't have a boyfriend."
"Well...you should get one."
Any offence I may have taken at being given dating advice by a four-year-old was swiftly tripled with the next comments.
"That's ok, I don't really want one."
"Why not? What's wrong with you? Can't you get a boyfriend?"
Yep, I was right. Kids are confusing and no one in their right mind will ever understand them.
That funny feeling in the pit of my stomach was spot-on.
Welcome back, old friend. Let's never part again.