Today's "Sam and the City" column in the Sydney Morning Herald talks about a new trend for young, single people in the city to live together in "urban tribes" well into their thirties. According to the brain-child of the term, Ethan Watters, we're not 'settling down' as much anymore but deciding to live with friends who are becoming our new family.
Source: http://blogs.smh.com.au/samandthecity/archives/2006/03/are_friends_the.html.
When you come to uni - particularly if you're coming from the country, overseas or just moving out of the suburbs - you'll get a chance to have a go at forming your own 'urban tribe' in the inner city. That's where I am at the moment. I'm looking around for share housing with other like-minded people, to get out of the suburban environment and try something different. (Colleges are a good option for some, but not for me.)
Moving out is a scary prospect. Paying the bills is one aspect. But other fears accompanying moving out include how to manage the loneliness of living alone and how to ensure your flat share buddies and you will get along. Share house politics can be more complicated than Labor Party factions!
Whilst I still haven't found the right place, I've picked up a few good resources along the journey which are useful for anyone thinking of moving out of home.
Finding a Place
A great start to your search for a place is the University's Student Accommodation Service, which can be accessed through My Uni (your online student portal to the Uni). There are many housing options, including private rental, share housing, low-cost university-subsidised housing etc. Some will suit your personality and budget, whilst others will not. To browse through the full options and access the database of available rental and share properties, go to: www.usyd.edu.au/stuserv/accommodation/.
The Accommodation Service also has some great links to useful sites, such as how to find low-cost furniture and what expenses you should budget for each week.
Paying the Bills
The first thing you need to know about is Centrelink and Youth Allowance. You may be eligible to receive supplementary money from the government whilst you study if you satisfy a range of eligibility criteria. You can find out about what government support is available by logging onto the Centrelink website (you can even apply online) or by giving Centrelink a call. See: www.centrelink.gov.au or call the Youth and Student Services Centrelink number on 13 2490.
Even if you are eligible for Youth Allowance, you will still probably need to find a job. From my experience, having a job that you like will actually make an enormous difference to how you fare emotionally. When I worked at a call centre I would dread the 8 hours a week I spent there. Now I work in office admin and do about 12hrs a week. But the job is in a human rights organisation, which I find incredibly rewarding. So think about why you're moving out. If you have to move out, you might not be able to wait around until you find a job you like. But if waiting is an option, think about taking it up very seriously. Living at home might be difficult as you try and assert your independence, but it's no where near as difficult as dreading going to work for many hours in a week just to pay bills. A useful resource in the University of Sydney Casual Employment Service, where employers list employment vacancies especially for students. Check out what's available via: www.usyd.edu.au/stuserv/employment/index.shtml.
A job and/or government allowance will form the basis of your regular income, but sometimes you'll need extra money or have emergencies to respond to. During those times, it is useful to know about the Financial Assistance Office which provide no-interest student loans and bursaries: www.usyd.edu.au/stuserv/finances/financial_assistance_office/index.shtml. Also, consider contacting the Scholarships Office to see whether you're elgible to apply for any scholarships: www.usyd.edu.au/fstudent/undergrad/study/shm/scholarships.shtml.
Finally, never forget your Student Representative Council (SRC)! The SRC is located in the Wentworth Building and provides case workers that can help you with moving out and financial questions, applications to Centrelink, legal issues and emergencies. For more info, see: www.src.usyd.edu.au/.
Staying Happy
Moving into a share house is a minefield. It can be an incredibly rewarding time, but can also cause a lot of stress. Check out the Share House Survival Guide before you move out to find out about some of the issues you might face and how to resolve them: www.rlc.org.au/sharehousing/. Get cluey about your rights and what to expect so that you're not disappointed when you move out.
If things turn sour and you need to talk to someone, the university has a free Counselling Service: www.usyd.edu.au/stuserv/welfare/counselling/general.shtml. In many ways, moving out as a uni student is great because there is a lot of University support there to help with the transition.
Addressing Reasons for Moving Out
For some, moving out is more than just a matter of being closer to uni for convenience. For some people it is also a statement of independence, an escape from a difficult home situation or a way to address family conflict and disagreement. Moving out will not solve problems you are leaving. Moving out may help by giving you some space away, and an ability to address personal or family issues on your own two feet, with the confidence that you can survive as a fully independent adult. Some people say that moving out helped the relationships they had with their parents and siblings, because they were removed from the pressure cooker of the family home. However, it is good to try and ensure that your family will be there to support you when you move out - especially if you have an emergency or need to move back home (God forbid!).
If a difficult situation has triggered the decision to move out, here are some tips. I'm not a counsellor, but I just speak from observations I've made from people's experiences around me:
1. Unless it is an abusive or violent situation, do not sever the relationship entirely. Give the reasons clearly for why you are moving out and what you hope it will achieve. A simple "I love you but... [insert reason for why you're not happy at home]" is always a good start.
2. Blaming each other for a relationship breakdown doesn't help you or others to work through the issues. Sometimes it is important to accept that differences of opinions will exist which will not be agreed upon. However, that isn't necessarily something to blame the other person about. Remember that people come from different backgrounds and have different experiences which have formed their world view. At the same time, if differences of opinion are causing you pain, remember that it is OK to make a decision on what is right for your own welfare and emotional health. Which brings me to point number 3.
3. Do not feel guilty for making a decision to move out if you feel it's in your best interests. When you make a decision to leave a home environment, it can be interpreted as a rejection by your family, which they may make you feel guilty about. Guilt can also be borne from a feeling that you have failed to make a relationship which you treasure work in a healthy way. Relationships are like that, you shouldn't feel guilty.
If you need to talk further about these sort of issues, you might like to try:
Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277.
Lifeline on 13 11 14.
Kids Help Line on 1800 55 1800 (5 - 18 year olds).
Gay and Lesbian Counselling Service of NSW on 8594 9596 (Sydney) or 1800 18 4527 (Outside Sydney) (7 days, 5:30pm - 10:30pm).
Department of Community Services Domestic Violence Line on 1800 656 463 (7 days, 24 hours).
Comments
Hey Ghassan, I live on campus but I'm thinking of moving out with either my boyfriend or my best friend, if either of them actually DO end up moving up here! Do you think living with a partner or a good friend is a lot trickier than it sounds? I don't want to ruin the relationship over gas bills and late-night essay writing!
p.s. sorry, I know you're not an agony aunt but I don't really know anyone who can give me advice in this case!
Posted by: Cb | June 7, 2006 11:32 PM
A lot of people have warned me about moving in with friends. Irritating aspects of living with someone (such as different ideas about money or cleaning) can become real issues and cause friction. I don't think that's necessarily a reason NOT to move out with friends - but just to think about ways to ensure that friction is minimised. I would suggest a really honest heart-to-heart on all aspects of house life before you decide whether you and a friend would suit living together, e.g. cleaning, bills, bad habits, privacy arrangements, acceptable behaviours, study times etc.
On whether to move out with a partner, that's a really hard one. It can be cheaper - as you share lots of things. However, if the relationship is not ready for this big step then it could crumble from the pressure of handling big responsibilities. Don't move out with a partner just because you're looking for someone to move out with: make sure you're ready for basically settling down with that partner if you're taking that next step.
Posted by: Ghassan | June 9, 2006 11:08 PM
hi my name shawn, im am 16 from perth WA and thinkin of moving out of home because of my parents.
Reason for is that they are always on my back about things such as home work. If i am walking towards my room to go do my home work my mum has to open her mouth to say "go do ur homework".
im already under alot of pressure and stress because im not doing so flash in my subjects but i dont need to have someone on my back all the time.
Also im thinking of starting some things which involve a resonalable amouth of money eg few grand. Ive been saving for about a year now and finaly have enough money. throughout this time my parents have backed me and sed yes i will support you. NOW is crunch time and they have backed off and sed that your education comes first...so what you mean that ive saved all this money has these hopes and dreams for nothing all to be taken away by the only two people that actualy could make my dreams possible...what a joke!
so im thinking of moving out and start my career because that is the only way i can satisfy my urge for my williness to coomlete my wishes and make something of myself.
So, do you think its a good idea to move out at this ages considering im doing TEE and only 16???
Posted by: shawn | June 30, 2006 08:03 PM
Hey Shawn,
Wow, sounds like you're having a pretty tough time.
Moving out should not be a quick decision. Especially at 16. While there are certainly upsides to being independent (like being able to eat whatever you want for dinner...like a big bowl of Maltesers..) there are also some big issues to consider. Like Gas has said, you have to think about the expenses, the fact that you really will be alone and whether it's going to make you happy.
If you're still at school and already find it difficult to juggle your subjects with extracurricular activities, it might not be such a great idea to move out.
You might benefit from speaking to an older friend, or even a teacher at your school. And as much as your parents are frustrating you right now, it's good to remember that your parents aren't meant to be your friends. They're your parents: they're responsible for you, and they make decisions with your best interests at heart.
Good luck with everything, Shawn, and keep reading the blog!
Lauren
Posted by: Lauren | July 4, 2006 10:57 AM
Hi there Shawn mate!
I’m sorry to hear you’re having a pretty hard time at home. When I was growing up, my parents were also on my back about doing well at school and focussing on my homework and study. It can be really hard to feel that sort of pressure and stress from your parents, particularly if you’re finding your subjects a bit challenging at the moment.
As Lauren says, it’s really important to know firstly that your parents are only trying to put your best interests first.
I don’t really know enough about your situation to say whether you should move out or not… but I can tell you that moving out is a BIG decision. It’s not just about paying the bills and working to support yourself; it’s also about being able to wash your own clothes, cook your own food, clean your own house, make your own decisions, get to work on your own, and have to deal with (sometimes) finding it quite lonely! You’ll be surprised at how lonely it sometimes get being perched up in your little apartment all on your own (because let’s face it, once your paying rent, going out becomes a luxury you can only afford on occasion!).
Do you know what I think? I think you need to find something you get REALLY excited about to do to get your spirits up. Do you like sport, or music, or performance, or art, or public speaking, or anything like that? Perhaps you should find yourself a passion, do some volunteering work, get a casual job, work towards getting a driver’s licence or perhaps starting saving up for a gap year to go overseas after you finish school?
Speaking of school, please don’t think you’re wasting your time by sticking out at your studies! If you feel like your falling behind, the first place to go is to your teachers! I’m sure they would be more than happy to help you with catching up and getting on top of things. And if you’re 16, I’m assuming you’re in Year 10 or 11? Perhaps you should have a look at what subjects you’re allowed to choose from and pick stuff that suits your interests.
Everyone has times when they find it hard to get along with their parents. I think the best thing to do about this is probably to speak to your school counsellor about your feelings. S/he might be able to help and everything you discuss with her/him will be completely confidential.
If you’re nervous about doing that, then try the Kids Helpline. You can call them anytime on 1800 55 1800 (it’s a free call). When I was in Year 12, I rang them about something I was pretty worried about and they were excellent!
Posted by: Ghassan | July 5, 2006 10:12 PM
Hi Shawn,
I was in a similar situation when I was in Year 12. I had a boyfriend who my parents didn't approve of, I wasn't doing too well at school and I was really just fed up with being at home.
My boyfriend and I, thinking that we knew everything (because we were 17, and of course you know everything when you're 17!!!) moved out together. For the first day, it was bliss. No parents yelling, late nights, and like Lauren said, you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want!!!
But the boy and I started fighting really soon, and then the added pressures of paying for things we'd never dreamed of, not being able to go out as much and still having to juggle all my school stuff was just way too much.
The moral of my story: don't make a rash decision. You sound like a smart kid, just a little confused at the moment. Take some time to think about this, and maybe you'll learn from my huge, embarrassing, expensive mistake.
Tanya Brown
Posted by: Tanya | July 7, 2006 04:16 PM
Hi to everyone,
I am 33 and a mother to two boys aged 15 and 7, at the moment we are having a lot of problems with our 15 year old who wants to leave home, he has made some very bad decisions in the past that have lead him in trouble with the police and friends. We have tried extremely hard trying to understand him and his feelings and wants. We are very involved with both our boys and enjoy skating, watching movies, listening to the same sort of music as he does, motor bike riding and the list goes on. We do still give him his space and let him make his own decsisions and choices with friends etc.We helped him with finding a job as he didn't like school and now he wants to quit that but he has a huge fine to pay.We have told him its fine to bring friends home but we never see any of them he spends a lot of time with a lot older people who have no jobs and are on the dole. What I have noticed over the years is that kids are becoming more disrespectful towards their elders, laws and rules and this makes it very hard to be a parent. Life is hard its not always meant to me easy but having a job and paying bills and looking after children is even harder so don't grow up too quickly as you only have one life and it goes very fast. So enjoy the moments you have at home with your parents and remember they say the things they do because they love you and care for you because if they didn't then you would be one of those kids out there that really needs the help and support that a lot of the agencies provide its not meant to be used my kids that really don't need it. And remember you can't take years back because of the pain and grief you cause at home and remember your parents aren't always going to be around.I hope that our son realizes one day what hell he has put us through and I only hope it won't be too late before that happens. As today has been one of my hardest days as a parent and part of me feels like it is dead and I feel my life has ended because my son has said in eight weeks on his sixteenth birthday he is moving out. What I don't appreciate is other kids , schools and agencies encouraging my son to move out of home because there a few boundries and in our case not that many. Self respect and respect to others is one of my rules and a balanced life. So to everyone out there good luck with whatever you do and remember there is always someone else worse off than you and remember if you can't talk to your parents find soemone that is mature and will give you the advice you need not the advice you want to hear. And parents aren't as bad as you think. Thanks
Posted by: Mrs S | August 5, 2006 11:58 PM
Hi,
im 15 and i am living in foster care because my parents are unable to take care of me.
I do not get along with my foster parents at all and feel uncomfortable living with them and i have tried numerous foster homes that havent worked out.
Ive been able to take care of myself from a young age and i feel ready to move out.
What options do i have at 15 in terms of beocming independent and housing?
Thanks,
Bianca
Posted by: Bianca | March 9, 2007 05:10 PM
Hi Bianca,
Sounds like you've been having a pretty tough time. I would suggest you contact the Kids Help Line on 1800 55 1800 and speak to someone there.
Good luck!
Posted by: Ghassan | March 11, 2007 07:08 PM
Hi my name is Ker!
I'm 18 years old and i can't take it any longer at my household! My parents are REALLY frustrating me. I want to move out but they keep telling me if i do, THEY have legal rights that can stop me from moving out or whatever! I need some advice please!
-ker
Posted by: ker | December 14, 2007 04:56 AM
hi guys. im 16 and im currently living at home with my family. I dont get along with any of them and a friend who is in the same situtation suggested that we move out together. i tried to discuss this idea with my mother but she just yelled at me. Im currently studying year 12 (my school is on the other side of town, about an hour and a half away) and i am pretty successful so far, all A's and B's. I would like to move closer to it so i have more free time and i dont have to get up as early. I am a responsible person and i can cook and clean but my mother still doesnt want me to leave. She keeps telling me that i cant look after my self and has asked every one she knows to tell me the same thing.
I have already made arrangements for a rental property (subleasing from the current tenant) and for centerlink payments until i can get a part time job. I've arranged the money for the bond and i have all the furniture i need but i'm still not sure how to talk to my mother. I dont know if i should just leave or try to talk to her again. any ideas would be great.
thanks, sammi
Posted by: sammi | February 6, 2008 12:28 PM