Sydney Life

As I’m sure you know by now, I am doing an Arts degree (or arts ADVANCED as I like to remind friends and academics). Now, some of you may think “What possible use is an arts degree?”. In fact, the age old joke goes –

“What did the art graduate say to the law graduate?”

“Would you like fries with that?”

And, indeed, I was told on my first lesson in philosophy that if I learnt “anything useful” it could be considered that I had in fact, failed. However, I feel that an arts degree can be useful. It’s flexible, it’s diverse, it’s full of beautiful people (both physically and mentally). Above all else, it provides you with a healthy dose of scepticism, a love of sleeping in, and a lifelong passion for procrastination.

But, fearing that I might not actually learn any practical skills that I could use in a source of employment, I chose to spend a good portion of this week putting into practice the knowledge I’ve learnt so far. So, here’s a nice little run down of how I’ve spent my week

Monday – harassed friends for not knowing the difference between Mary Wollstonecraft, and Mary Shelley

Tuesday – harassed friends for not knowing who the Prophet Mohammed was

Wednesday – harassed friends for not realising that personal identity doesn’t exist, and that their person stages aren’t causally linked, but rather reflect an impregnation of a false memory by the process of hypnoses, assuming of course that there isn’t a fundamental intangible type of existence, which contradicts nominative understandings of the construct of monism in this post-existential Hegelian world we/I/it lives/thinks/exists in.

Thursday – harassed friends for not being able to show me exactly where the University’s nuclear fall out shelters were in the event of possible nuclear war between China/US/Israel/Pakistan/India/France/UK/Russia.

And then it occurred to me, Sydney Uni doesn’t have any designated fall out shelters (or at least, none that I’m aware of). So, having read a highly informative document put out by the British Civil Defence association, I now feel I am fully qualified to teach you, dear reader, what to do in the event of being caught in a nuclear holocaust whilst on campus.

1.In the event of nuclear warfare, Australia presents a small, but legitimate target. Hopefully, government early warning systems will still be in place, and a siren will wail telling us of the approach of imminent destruction.

2.Assuming that a nuclear bomb lands on Sydney's CBD, the resulting blast will destroy Sydney University (as will VSU, but that’s another story). Do not attempt to hide/run – death is inevitable.

3.In the event that a nuclear bomb doesn’t land on Sydney's CBD, but rather Parramatta or Bankstown, the chance of survival IS possible. Resulting blast may destroy everywhere in the immediate vicinity, but Sydney should have only minor structural damage. As the blast is occurring, do not look into it. This will probably result in instant blindness.

4.After the bomb blast has subsided, run immediately to a safe area. Now, many of you may wonder “what constitutes a safe area?”. Well, given the danger of radioactive fall out, a safe area is largely hard to find. However, Sydney’s good solid sandstone brick, as well as our retro-60s buildings which were designed to withstand an apocalyptic event, should prove to be a good refuge. Do not, by any means, hide in Manning, Eastern Avenue Auditorium, or any recently constructed buildings. Their flimsy hides cannot stand the full colossal power of Mutually Assured Destruction. Keep in mind, you have to get to a safe position within about 1-5 minutes of the explosion. Bring any food/water you can find with you.

5.Once inside your chosen safety building, run to the nearest basement. Radioactivity can penetrate to some degree, so if you hang around the top floors, chances are you’ll get cancer/die pretty soon – rather gruesomely too. The dungeons of Fisher, or cellars under the Quad should do. I’m sure any other basements around campus will suffice as well. Close the door, and gather in a corner, ideally under some kind of overhang. At this stage, your chance of dying is about 60%. DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT let any stragglers in after the 5 minute period. They are as good as dead.

6.Over the next two weeks, make sure you do not leave your hidey-hole. If you run out of food/liquid, I suggest you crack open the head of the weakest member of your group, and feast on the goo inside. Hey, times are tough. You wanna get through this don’t you? (Don’t eat any corpses outside your hideout either).

7.After two weeks, the immediate danger should have subsided. Assuming everyone hasn’t eaten everyone else, gingerly creep out and see if you can hear any kind of siren. If there is, you can be assured that it is probably safe to come out. If you hear no siren, assume that Canberra has been bombed, and there is no more Federal government (boohoo, I’m sure we’ll miss them and their VSU). Prepare to repopulate the planet.

A bleak picture I know, but realistically guys and gals, I’ve just given you the best safety plan you’re ever gonna receive. Just remember, if all else fails and you simply can’t get to a bunker “Duck and cover” should save you from at least SOME of that nasty radiation.

See? I told you an arts degree had worth.