Sydney Life

Dear Julie Cooper-Nichol,

Well, well, well...you've hooked another Newport millionaire...I can only imagine what you are going to do to this man, the next in a long line of poor, unsuspecting fools...

Dr. Roberts seems like a decent guy. Let's face it, I'm a sucker for an M.D and it appears that you've hit the jackpot: the man's a plastic surgeon, which means you won't have to be racking up anymore Frequent User points with all the other cutters-and-pasters in town!

Not only is he 'good on paper' - the man barely batted an eyelid when your promiscuous, presumptuous and precocious (and possibly a whole host of other p- adjectives) daughter walked out on her own birthday party which he had very kindly offered to host at HIS OWN HOME. Mansion, I mean mansion.

Even more amazing, Ju-Ju, is the fact that Dr Roberts (D.Ro) has known you for years, and is still on speaking terms with you. Let's both take a minute to digest that one, shall we? The only person to surpass his 'nice-to-all-those-around-me-though-they-be-hacksaw-wielding-maniacs' is your best friend and one-time stepdaughter, Kirsten Cohen.

D. Ro knows all about your track record with the boys, too. He knows about your failed marriage, and that it ended because your embezzling husband lied and cheated half the town out of millions of dollars. Ok, ok, so it's small change in their eyes. But even so, a bevy of Molly Sues and Rihannas didn't get Lexuses that year, and it was Jimmy's fault.

D. Ro knows you're a gold-digger, and that you may or may not have been the inspiration for Kanye's ode to the all-time ultimate material girl. He knows you married your best friend's dad to cash up. And he hasn't mentioned it once.

But what about all he doesn't know, Ju-Ju? That's what is really concerning me. How will you explain that you had an affair with your teenage daughter's boyfriend? How will you explain that you conspired to kill your technically-ex-husband so that you could inherit $3 million? And how will you tell him that you left your other daughter at boarding school so you could continue on your marriage-divorce-marriage merry-go-round (and conveniently let her grow up for the producers)?

The good news is, you won't have to tell him about your film career. It's probably kind of nice to reminisce about your starring role in "The Porn Identity" but perhaps it's not conducive to a third marriage.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea about all this. I don't want you to stop being your wily, manipulative self. No, no, not at all. Julie, we love your evil machinations! You're the reason I keep watching! I can't wait to see what you're going to do from week to week. But this is what concerns me - this guy is clearly a tough nut to crack. Just what will you do, how low will you stoop, to ruin this impending marriage?

Ju-Ju, times are tough. With the loss of the Johnny-Marissa-Ryan-Kaitlin drama and the saccharine sweetness of Kiki and Sandy, we need some drama. We need our injection of evil - and you're just the b^%*h to administer it, Julie.

Awaiting your reply,

Lauren