Sydney Life

Much as Patrick Suskind was moved by the oft-overlooked landscape of smell to write a novel about a serial killer, I have recently been so moved (sometimes physically) by my own olfactory surroundings, that I am compelled to rise up onto my soapbox once more. As far as I know, Jean-Baptiste Grenouille left no descendants, and so I’m fairly certain that any young virgins at Sydney Uni can sleep easy. However, bodily smells have come up in conversation so many times recently that it is obviously a topical concern.

About a month ago, every Conservatorium student enrolled in Orchestral Studies received an email informing us that “excessive body odour and strong perfumes can adversely affect the comfort and performance of your colleagues.” Furthermore, we were also reminded that “bodily functions are not socially acceptable.”

This email is confusing enough as it is – if taken literally, my breathing is a social offence. But it also highlights a right conundrum – if one is unfortunate enough to have particularly offensive body odour, would not one turn to extremely strong smelling perfumes to mask it? Could there possibly be an alternative solution – an “organic”, smell-free solution which would both pacify our orchestral studies staff and afford the smelly individual with newfound confidence in a wide range of social situations? In the words of a book that that provided many of my answers, I began to investigate “The Case of the Smelly Armpit.”

I myself have always turned to deodorant whenever the gap between me and other people on public transport exceeds two metres. However, my research uncovered some disturbing truths about the methods we use in pursuit of the Fresh and Clean.

The ‘bad’ smells produced by our bodies is NOT caused by sweating – it’s caused by bacteria. Certain sweat glands (hint: east, west and south) produce sweat with proteins and other substances which some kinds of bacteria feed off. This ‘eating process’ produces icky smelling chemicals. When I first read this all I could think of was all these little bacteria sitting round a table eating huge steaks and occasionally farting…

There are in essence two different types of deodorant. Deodorant masks your B.O. by covering it up with a different smell. Some deodorants also slow down the growth of bacteria. Antiperspirants clog up your sweat glands so that the Steak Sweat can’t be produced, the bacteria can’t feed, and therefore can’t give off any really offensive gases (assuming they all have good dental hygiene of course). Gentle readers, prepare yourselves for a revolutionary statement – DEODORANTS ARE NOT ACTUALLY GOOD FOR YOUR BODY.

Neither type actually kills the bacteria, and antiperspirants hinder a natural process designed to keep your body at an even temperature. Humans were made to sweat! Shocked to the core by this discovery, I flung my deodorants across the room and spent the night tossing and turning (working up a right stink) trying to work out a life plan by which I never need interact with anyone possessing a nose ever again. However, as is so often the case, the bright sun of morning and a water-saving 3 minute shower afforded a fresh perspective on this case. With new resolve, I set to work researching alternative methods of de-odourising.

1. Shower regularly
Now, I don’t know about you, but I was already aware of the benefits of this one… But for those of you thinking that no deodorant equates to dirty, smelly, and disease-ridden, I’d say that not using deodorant has actually made me more hygiene-conscious. And I personally am almost physically ill when I walk into most teenage boys rooms – the LYNX effect, as far as I can tell, is not to make your desired female swoon, but to render her unconscious.

2. Avoid certain foods
The BBC suggests that one should steer clear of very spicy foods and garlic. Judging by a man extremely closely related to me, I’m pretty sure this is a good tip.

3. Kill your own bacteria via humane means
‘The Case of the Smelly Armpit’ by Royce Bond informed me that washing your underarms with diluted cider vinegar kills those steak-munching bacteria! You can even wash the vinegar off afterwards so that you won’t “smell like a salad.” I for one can not believe that this fact isn’t more widely broadcast. I mean, it works, it deodourises, and doesn't stuff up your body's natural flow. Call me a hippy, but I think this is a GOOD THING.

4. Don’t wear shoes
For anyone who has read my rant against shoes, you’ll understand how exciting this point is for me. The socks and closed in shoes that we wear provide ideal conditions for our friends the carnivorous bacteria to feed. If you must wear shoes, make sure you wear cotton socks which are changed daily.

Students of the world, embrace your sweat glands! Work with your bodily functions, not against them! Shower regularly!
And please – tell me if I smell bad.