Sydney Life

The longer the time period between my blogs, the more I stress about coming back in with a bang. Inevitably, that worry consumes me to the point where I can’t write ANYTHING, not even a shopping list, without being overcome by the fear of Bad Writing Shame. So please, gentle reader, clear your mind of any spiteful thoughts and continue with compassion in your heart.

Now I know that most of my blogs have included a list of some kind. Believe me, I know. It’s been the hidden thorn in my side sabotaging every attempt at individuality. But then I realised that many prominent authors rely on a set formula. Dan Brown does and he’s made squillions of dollars. Ergo, I can too. So here’s the latest low-down, list-style, on the lucrative leitmotif of every Con student – the Practice Room.

Wherefore art thou, Practice Room?
There are practice rooms on every level of the Con, even the mysterious level four, although you’re only allowed to use those ones if you’re wearing heels, a dress, and a glamorous coat (ladies), or if you’re not at all attracted to women wearing aforementioned garments (or women at all). It’s the Opera level, and I imagine it’s exactly like those ads for Opera Australia – you know, the ones where the cute guy on the train morphs into this sexy baritone and suddenly you’re wearing lots of make-up and singing a passionate duet.

Level three is far and away the most popular level for practicing, perhaps because the high altitude cuts off oxygen to the brain, making scales and double stops far more melodious to the dutiful student.

I’m not going to tell you where all the ‘secret’ practice rooms are or I’d get lynched. As compensation I will tell you that if you’re desperate for a music stand, 99% of the time you can find one in between the two recital halls on the ground floor.

Air-Conditioning: its power and pitfalls
I love the air-conditioning in the practice rooms. A practice room without air-conditioning is a day of bad practice. In summer, push it down to 18 degrees Celsius (as low as it goes). In winter, dry your damp shoes and warm the cockles of your heart with a 26 degree practice room.

However, as the wise grand master, I must warn young novices to heed that age-old superhero adage - with great power comes great responsibility. Just because you can control the artificial air in your little practice room doesn’t mean you’re allowed to lose control over your own extra gases. If you must wear copious amounts of perfume, make it a nice one. If you have bad smelling food, keep it in an airtight container. Above all, do not fart in your practice room. It’s not conducive to good practice, and if a friend pops in to say hi they’ll know it was you.

If your raison d'etre is making people miserable
Bring a huge bag and an empty instrument case to the Con. Place them in a practice room and turn the air-con on to 35 degrees or not at all. Spray your most potent perfume and leave an open can of tuna balancing precariously on top of aforementioned air-conditioner. Following this, leave the room and come back only to check that no-one else is using your practice room. For extra credit, undertake this activity in the weeks leading up to recitals and orchestra concerts.

Last minute practice - why you can never find a room when you need one
Many students complain that whenever they need a practice room they can’t find one. “We’d like to practice,” they claim, “but we can’t find a room anywhere.” This phenomenon is not born of paranoia or karma. It's not even entirely the fault of the slimy sadists referred to in the previous paragraph. It’s because whenever you have a recital or an orchestra concert to prepare for, so does everyone else.

This is very similar to waiting until the night before to finish/start an essay and finding that every single book has been taken out of the library. Unless you don’t mind practicing in the toilets the week before your recital (gotta love that boomy acoustic), start practicing early. I’m talking at least 7am early.* Sleep? It’s for the weak. You can just sleep in a practice room later…

* The author of this blog has never in living memory started practicing this early. She is not at this present time - nor has she ever been - interested in catching any early worms.